The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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