I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
