and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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