I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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