Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
