I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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