just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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