Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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