it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
