Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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