he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think my moral compass just broke
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
