Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize