how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
