Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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