She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
