So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
