DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize