Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize