apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
