I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
