You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
