Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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