Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
We need to rekindle our bromance
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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