And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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