you didnt know i had herpes?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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