I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I enjoy the company of your penis
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
