Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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