wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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