I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
