i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
