Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
