it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
