I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
