Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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