theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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