Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
