two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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