We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
tell me about the fingering
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