Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
