So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
