please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
