Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
