Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
