you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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