Have you finally orgasmed yet?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
