Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize