Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My penis needs a shock collar
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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