i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
