My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize