time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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