No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
