Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
