Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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