last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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