Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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