just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
