i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
