i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
