hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
