I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I party with great urgency now.
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