New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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