Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
