respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
